10.26.25

In the midst of things, I discovered I was afraid of death.

Sitting in my room, I listened to L__ talk to my aunt about her life, how she had been working since the year 2000. Since 2000 until 2025, she said, I've never taken a day off. She paused. I took the lunar new year off once and went home for a week. When I left China, I didn't tell anybody. I'm that kind of person, very private. Even now my boss at the salon in Fuzhou is waiting for me to come back. I tried to quit to get my security deposit back but he said he'd let me leave for half a year before he expects me to be back. 

She said of her family: My mother tried to marry me off at eighteen! Eighteen! Isn't that hilarious? The last time I was home, there was a man holding a baby who kept looking over at me and smiling. He was very manly, with that kind of masculine air. I asked my sister - what's wrong with that man? He keeps smiling at me. He must be not quite right in the head. My sister turned to me and said that was supposed to be your husband! L laughed. So many people wanted to marry me, you see. But I didn't want a single one of them. 

In the mornings I take L to her job. We move with silent clockwork. She cooks and leaves food out on the counters and then she goes upstairs to do her makeup. I wait downstairs, scrolling my phone. Then I drive her, turning on the heat in the back so she's not cold. When we're close to the shop, she gets off without a word and I head home. 

Why am I saying this now? Well, I don't know. I don't need to know. 

There's somebody I love coming back to the city tomorrow. There's an uncrossable distance between us, and I've decided to call it love. 

From Laos my father sends us a photo of a lake. Laos Sky Lake he said. When I look at the picture, it's true. There's just as much as sky as there is water. Maybe even more.