6.19.24

"Can I call you?" 

"Yea" 

: like a spell cast on me, to protect me while I walked through Brooklyn at night alone.

P said: "Never settle for love." 

Once I was without form, music without words. 

So I called L on the way home instead. L told me we have the same conversation every two months.  Maybe I'm afraid that I will never have the whole thing with somebody, I said to her. So I'm cobbling together all these little pieces. But the real question is, why do I keep doing things I don't want to do? How can I have multiple cups if not one of them is full? 

I want an overflowing cup, I said to L. I want to drown in it. 

Learn from your lessons bitch, she replied.

P said: "Your lesson here isn't over." 

In the face of real generosity and warmth, I turn to ash. 

I don't wanna be so big and strong anymore. 

I'm afraid. I'm softer, bigger, than I know.