12.26.25

On Christmas morning I watched the sunrise with G. I walked up behind her to give her a hug as she drank some hot chocolate. She told me she wanted to hold me, as if I was a child. So I let her, and she held me with her cheek against mine. I was very tense so G said "this only works if you let go" and I replied "I don't like letting go". We both laughed. I thought about Joan, who's already been gone from this world for three months now. Maybe the world is full of grandmothers like Joan and G. Peace must be possible here then, surely. 

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On my last night with _, we fought again about the terms of our relationship. I couldn't say anything straight, so I said everything passive aggressively. _ wound up again, saying the same things he always did, about how he had been honest with me from the beginning. Finally I said to him: "Can't you have some grace?" He went silent and I started crying. "This is not who I am," I said, "I am more than this." 

Was it grace I was looking for? And what now?

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I learned this year it’s never the worst when it snows. Rather, it’s the days afterwards when the wind blows and you could feel the cold in your bones, even when you’re standing in the sun.