6.10.23

Following the sound of the writing I tried again to listen. "Attention, taken to the highest degree is prayer." (Simone Weil). And suddenly the memory of ______ asking me what to do with the words. He said - "It's so beautiful I don't even know how to read them." At the bottom of things there is a smile says Thay. I practice my half smile in the mirror, on the toilet, walking down the street, where it's dangerous, where it goes unnoticed. I gave my attention away for an external wanting. This morning I am remembering walking with ___ down the street of his hometown, his younger brother with his arms around his shoulders. There was a kind of light coming from the two of them and I had to look away. Every day somebody in this city gives me a gift, small pieces of wisdom, a brief interlude of music, a look of disdain. I kept thinking of ___ and the way her eyes looked whenever she smiled without meaning to. I'm falling in love with her, I thought, walking home from the train. I wished to see her smile forever. I wanted to hold her close to my chest. And then, nights ago - _____ and I spoke slowly, walking through the smoky city after our movie. Did you relate to the main character? she asked me. I gave a long winding answer. In short: yes, but it's a kind of fantasy to do so. I cried during the film, thinking about how I wanted a real love. Then we spoke of divination. We think we predict the future, I said, but it's actually that we create it based on our assumptions of what will happen. Home alone, trying to make sense of this. Trying to give pause. "What kind of beast turns its life into words?" (Adrienne Rich). The words are not coming naturally to me today. I want to tell you the truth, and the truth is, I cannot tell you.