8.21.22

This morning: working meditation. Sweeping. I set a timer for an hour and an intention: to not think about _____ or to directly think about _____. Lysol, broom, and sponge. When my mind drifts, I bring it back to my hands. Not sleeping has taught me a lot about my mind; where it goes, why it goes, how to keep up. I feel calm. Today, I will not betray myself. I will not think around anything. If I must think, I will do it with attention. 

I have always looked loss in the face. I thought. 
This mind working for me and beyond me. 

If you are reading this, which you may be, it's true this is about you. 

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Yesterday in the cemetery there was a fence where we thought there was a way out. Maybe we can walk around it, you offered. I followed you. There was no way around it. We stood there. We stood on the hill and looked down the fence and we couldn't see where it ended. 

Maybe it does matter who was wrong about which way we should go. Maybe it is me. Often it is.  

Anyways, there was no way forward and the sun was hot. Understandably, we were beginning to feel upset. So we turned around and went the way we came. 

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My mind: back and forth back and forth back and forth. Today I'm cleaning house. Three days ago I turned twenty six. What all this means is up to me.

I am talking about my age, but I'm also not. I'm talking about you, but I'm also not. 

After meditation yesterday, I shared that I felt relief knowing I'm not the only room we have to live in. I thought that ________, sitting to my right, really understood what I was saying. Even more than I did. 

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Today, I'm cleaning house. There is so much dust in unexpected places. An hour is too long when I am paying attention. I think about my mother, telling me that doing a little bit every day makes it easier. 

Maybe it's not too late to start today.