4.26.22

The ocean is a book, or maybe a sheet of endless music. Sometimes I am the reader. Other times I am punctuation or the space between words. On the ocean yesterday I felt strong. I knew myself and what I was capable of, like I was in love. But there was a moment I was troubled; I kept turning around and scanning the shore for ______, who disappeared. I had to make up my mind quickly. Do I go towards the sea or back to shore? You must know which way I chose. 

I can't tell you how I really feel tonight. Yesterday the ocean was stormy and I had to find the shoulders between waves to get beyond the break. We played a zig zag game, the ocean and I. We are the kind of friends who speak often without words. 

Some conversations:

Sitting in the truck going from Sayulita to la lancha, I spoke to a university student who was studying civil engineering. I told him I studied art and film. He asked me - what do you look for in an actor? I said, a person like a poem. He said, what do you mean? I said, a person who is interesting to look at, a person who moves in an interesting way. Like a poem. You know a poem when you see one. He said, okay. I feel foolish remembering this. Like an ordinary person, sometimes I just want something to say to the person in front of me. 

On the water, I met a surf instructor. He pointed at ____, who was sitting in the white water. He said: is that your friend? Yes, I answered. He said, she is only going to get tired if she stays there. I nodded and replied, she knows what she is doing. We were quiet for a bit after that. I followed him around and then he asked me for my name. I said, what's yours? He said - Danke. What? He repeated - Danke and also I teach people how to surf. I said ok Danke, will you give me some advice? He said sure. So I said - what do you do when you are afraid? I am afraid of the ocean sometimes. Danke replied: take a deep breath, paddle, and stand up. What are you afraid of? It's just water. 

I laughed at this and then a wave lifted me up and away and Danke disappeared from view. Later, Danke came up to me on the beach and we spoke a little bit longer. He told me he was also a lawyer but he preferred surfing much more. He had a quiet demeanor and had a little book in his hands that he began to read when some friends came up to join me where we were sitting under a tree. I asked him his name again and he told me that his real name was Alfonso but his friends call him Danke. I said that was interesting - wasn't Danke the German word for thank you? He looked surprised. You're right, he said. Since we spoke, I haven't forgotten his words. I'm afraid tonight, you see. But I'm breathing. In a few hours I'll even stand up. 

There's something about tonight. I wanted to be honest with you but I'm not able to. I came here to tell you about what a book felt like between my hands tonight. So many people in the world are so deeply grieving. Holding a book between my hands tonight, I felt sure that it was enough to save us if we wanted to be saved. I can't describe it to you, but maybe you can understand. I thought reading might be enough to keep us from loneliness. I can't tell you what's coming, but there are these words here that somebody wrote for you. If you want, you can carry the words with you into whatever is next. If you want, you can speak to them quietly, as you might with the ocean.